The other morning I was tired and grumpy and took it out on my husband.
It went something like this.:
Kyle pulled me into his arms and he told me he loved me just as he does almost every morning before he leaves.
My response was, “Uh-huh.”
“What was that for?” he asked.
I pushed myself away and debated silently over whether to say anything. Was it really worth it? But I’d only gotten six hours sleep. Okay. Here it goes.
“Kyle, I can’t do this. If you expect me to work full time for another ten years, it’s not going to happen. I’m not going to make it another year if I don’t get some sleep.”
Now, in all fairness, I average about seven hours a night. Rarely more, usually less.
For many that might seem like a good amount of sleep, and you may be wondering why I was complaining.
The thing is, I have Lupus.
With that comes the fact that no matter how much sleep I get, I’m still tired. However, a lack of sleep only accentuates the insanity I feel at times. I get caught in a battle of feeling grumpy, and then getting upset with myself for things I say and do, even though I don’t mean to and wouldn’t have if I’d had a good night’s sleep.
Our alarm goes off every morning at 5 am. We typically go to bed around 9 pm. Many nights however, it’s a battle for when the television will be turned off. I’ve been told by many others that I’m not alone in this particular struggle.
This particular morning I was tired of being mad at Kyle. The cycle of me being upset about him not turning off the TV, and then him huffing because he wasn’t ready for bed and is mad at me, to the alarm going off at 5am and him hitting snooze once or twice and me starting my day upset every morning finally got to me.
I snapped. Not bad, there was no yelling, but I had to say something.
I felt hopeless in the situation.
I didn’t want to feel like I was in a constant battle with my best friend, and for heaven’s sake, I needed more sleep.
There weren’t any major drastic changes that took place other than I felt heard. He officially put me in charge of “driving” at night. This way, I can turn off the television when I’m ready.
That small act on his part, gave me hope and an expectation that the coming days would be better. And, that’s all I needed.
I can’t change my husband. I learned that years ago. Nor do I want to have that kind of power or the responsibility that comes with it. But I do have the power to admit that I need his help.
This is also a great example of how those of us who know Christ still search, hunt, and pursue hope in our daily lives. Whether it’s a situation we find ourselves in or a burden we feel we can no longer bare, we eventually say something. Some of us sooner. Others of us later.
Regardless of when or how often we come to Christ, the point is that in doing so we acknowledge our need for Him. We admit our need to feel heard. We express our need to experience that one small something that brings an expectation towards change ahead.
The very fact that we hope and continually seek out hope demonstrates our Creator’s thumbprint on our lives. It’s that spot in our souls that only he fills and that only His Hope satisfies.
To be honest, I hate “driving” the television at night. I’d much rather let the noise of the television drown out the noise in my head and fall asleep peacefully next to the man who puts my needs above his own desires.
To be honest, I’m learning to detest “driving” in real life too. There’s too much noise. It’s difficult to make wise decisions and rest peacefully knowing that my life is bringing glory to the One who loves me most of all.
But this I know…
When I search for hope in Christ, not only are my dreams sweet, but my days are replete with dreams.
What about you?
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